Things are going slow, too slow. I can't seem to function properly as I can't function at all. I wake up with this empty feeling of coldness. Everything is so cold it makes me shiver. I seek to be warm and when it's warm I seek to be clear. The cold messes with my head as it should. I wake up weak. Barely breathing.. I wonder did I win the battle this time? I didn't. I seem to fight all night long. What for? Freedom. From myself. I leave pieces of myself after every battle. As I lose something every morning. Do I still have things to lose? Can I still fight? I miss joy, I miss lightness. I feel so heavy it's suffocating. I wanna stop, waking up.

I don't even know how to start this. I guess I'll just say things are very bad right now and I don't know why anymore. For the longest time I felt bad it wasn't something new to me. There were times where I thought feeling this bad was the only option. Then I grew and learned that it was not, I think knowing that hurt me. Thinking that I was just meant to be like this was much relieving then the fact that it could've been better. Lately things are less confusing and painful but for some reason these times are the worst to me. Maybe because at least when things are bad I could blame this feeling on something? I don't feel happy but i pretend so hard to be. Even though most people don't care about how this individual person feels but playing myself and being sad around them is just gonna make things more complicated and hard which makes me choose playing pretend everytime. I wish things were so simple I could answer a simple “Are you okay?” without second guessing. I wish I had a way to tell people how I feel other than being distant. I know my actions hurt people.. people that mean something to me. But there is only so much I can do and say. Things are very bad right now.. and I wish they weren't.